Mass Effect Oneshots
by RelaxedReady
Summary: MASS EFFECT * Inspired by the letters of the alphabet. * Various pairings, Garrus Vakarian/Female Shepard * Shakarian * Joker/EDI * Content will vary from kinda fluffy/romance to mature.
1. C is for Creampie

C is for Creampie

...

The dynamometer needle bobbed, and Garrus measured the engine output of a cherry-red stand mixer. He scratched down the last recording, then oiled a crankshaft. The turian's taloned paws replaced the appliance faceplate and screwed the last screw. Now, let that heat try and build up. The torque and rotational speed brought to standards, his Cuisinart stand mixer delivered all zero point four-four horsepower to the bowl.

The engine purred, while the orbital arm spun. Garrus gingerly added sugar to the whipping cream, frothing up a fluffy miracle. Lips smacked around a sample of perfectly soft peaks. Garrus nodded, recalling the sweet words Shepard used to describe her favorite pie.

"It's what love tastes like."

It made sense, now. He couldn't wait for her to try his recipe, hoping his creation filled the Commander with delight.

After removing the mixing paddles, Garrus studied the dessert consistency. He spread the thick topping across a chilled custard, already prepared, and garnished with coconut shavings. Real coconut. The cook was glad he had bought extra, remembering earlier, when the stone fruit exploded in his overzealous grip. It had been messy, but he always wore protection.

Garrus untied the knot at the back of his waist, and folded up an apron. After boxing the pie for Shepard, the turian found her cabin.

Her tiny tank top, and too baggy pants, paired well with a lazy smile. "Hey, Garrus." Gentle lips pressed to his cheek plate, then she pulled him inside. "That smells divine."

He opened the box and her hand flew to his shoulder, the grip surprised him. "Oh, my god, banana cream pie, my favorite!"

"Uhh." He inspected the pie even though he made it, saying, "No, it's coconut cream pie."

Her face fell. Shepard's eyes shifted uncomfortably. "Coconut?" She itched a forearm. "But, I'm allergic."


	2. L is for Loose Lips, Sink Ships

Pairing: Joker/EDI

Chapter: L is for Loose Lips, Sink Ships

...

EDI asked, "What are you looking at, Jeff?" The blue oval softly expanded and contracted.

She asked a simple question, but he refused to answer with any one of the simple answers rolling around in his trucker-hat-head.

 _It. You. Nothing._

"Are you ignoring me? Because, you are still staring at me, and it is starting to get weird." Joker blinked. The AI didn't have to say 'that was a joke' anymore, she had figured him out. He got it.

Adjusting the shadow over his eyes. "EDI, we're friends, right?"

The lights of her holo-globe went dark for a moment, then the blue pinpoints swarmed 360 around the sphere to intersect, forming her typical voluptuous shape. However, he had never noticed that sequence before.

"Jeff, you have answered your own question."

Joker heard a smile in EDI's synthetic voice. _Are you seriously that stupid?_ One lonely hand to his heart, he nodded.

"O-Okay, listen, EDI. I need to make a request. As a friend."

EDI's oblong shape narrowed, to become a wisp-thin, sliver of judgement. "Ready." She had unlocked sarcasm, now.

He leaned back in his chair, watching the stars and nebulae roll by the bridge windows. He took his hat off to rub his scalp a few times, before replacing his lid. Leaning towards her, elbows on knees, he said, "Can we change your display?"

"What is wrong with my display?" The oval pulsed in his face.

He couldn't take it anymore. "Um, well, could we?" He reconsidered, and asked again. "G'ah, can we? Change it?"

"Why, Jeff?"

 _Because, I'm a pervert?_

Joker's fingers danced over the helm, checking their coordinates to appear nonchalant. Yep, still in space. "Oh, it's a little distracting sometimes. No big deal."

"I can turn down the brightness." EDI muted her lights. "Better?"

 _Nope._

EDI's curves undulated and fluttered. He cleared his throat. Joker was already three-quarters-hard. The chair squeaked, jostled by his hasty adjustment.

"Jeff. Are you alright? Your vitals have…"

"Stop monitoring my vitals!" Rocking forward, he groaned at the tightness consuming his boxer-briefs.

"You know I cannot."

"Then, shut up about it!" Joker's palm struck his forehead, leaving his baseball cap askew. "Shit, EDI. I'm sorry."

"If I am doing something which distracts you from your duties, Jeff, you have to speak up. And, you do not have to sugar-coat it. I gave up sweets for New Year's."

He chuckled, and rubbed his face. How would _he_ react, if EDI told Joker his mouth looked like a reproductive organ? That would probably change their working relationship. He was an ass. "Thanks, EDI." If she truly had feelings, he didn't want to hurt them. "I appreciate that, but, I think this is my problem."

"I am here to help, should you desire it."

Joker sighed. "I know."


	3. T is for Turn me On

Joker flopped down on his bed and arranged the birthday cards on his nightstand.

Happy 30th Birthday!

Jesus, he was old, and all he had were paper sentiments. Everyone on the goddamn ship had paired up. Sure, they all tried to hold back on the PDA, especially today, but he got it. Jeff'd do the same thing if he had someone to share his heart with in the cold, deep void of space.

But, he didn't. He never would. The one Jeff Moreau desired didn't have a heart or a body, and she wasn't a real girl.

EDI's flashy, electric blue display orb danced alive. "Hi, Jeff, are you glad your birthday is almost over?"

He chuckled at how well she knew him, yet a sadness dampened his chest. "Yea, doll, thanks for covering the bridge, I had a good day." The term of endearment was not new, however he never called EDI that outside his quarters. The first time the pet name slipped out, she had told him she liked it. He had said he liked it, too.

Joker was in love with a disembodied voice.

The idiot hung his head. There was one last thing to do today. Birthday masturbation. "Well, I'm pretty tired, EDI, I think 'm gonna hit the hay."

"Jeff?"

"Yea, doll?"

She floored him. "Before you hit it, check under your pillow."

"What? You shouldn't have!" Jeff plucked a festive box from its hiding spot.

EDI's display got serious. "It's very personal. Can I trust you won't laugh?"

He gently shook the gift. "I'm not gonna laugh; what is it?" He asked a rhetorical question, obvious to anyone, but a computer.

Jeff got a hard-on for his birthday. "It's my pussy."

Joker dropped the box and checked life support system. Turning a ruddy shade of embarrassment, he coughed and grabbed some water, keeping it together like Robot DeNirex. Jeff wasn't going to laugh. He didn't want to hurt her miraculous feelings. Very conversationally. "I didn't know you had one."

"Open it."

The birthday boy's shaking hands unwrapped a plastic, silver cylinder. It was much like a wine bottle, but with a set of fleshy, velveteen lips on one end. And, something else. Jeff took in a breath like dude was gonna blow the fuck out of the candles on the cake. "It has clit?!"

"Correction. I have a clit."

Jeff's cockhead shamelessly poked out the top of his flight pants thinking about dipping his cock into EDI's to-go-cunt. "This is amazing, EDI, I'm so excited."

"Me too. We're going to share pleasure, Jeffery."

"What?"

"I will feel it, too."

The virgin computer wasn't kidding. His smoothed a palm over EDI's display orb and she vibrated under his touch. "Thank you, EDI, I love it."

Her smile came through loud and clear. "Good. Now, turn me on."

oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

A/N Thank you for reading, if you enjoyed, I have other stories you may like, thanks again!


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